two weeks in

I’m still drinking from the fire-hose; still trying desperately to swallow all of it. I’m close to drowning, but somehow keep breathing and I keep waking up every morning. The roads are deserted when I make my way to the hospital at 4:45am. The Texas heat is relentless even when the moon dominates the sky. My face glistens and my curls bounce. I struggle to take in oxygen with each breath of the muggy air.

Two weeks in and I know where to find the restroom, the drinking fountain and how to get from one hospital tower to the next. I know how to get my scrubs and where to find the ORs. Every time I write a note, the “MD” after my name catches me off guard, I question whether it is really me, and check my badge just to be sure.

Two weeks in I’ve tried to exit the parking garage the wrong way only once. My air conditioning has malfunctioned only once, and I have almost unpacked all my boxes.

Two weeks in I’ve delivered 6 babies, performed two tubal ligations, a hysteroscopy, polypectomy, robot assisted hysterectomy, and too many ultrasounds to count. In a matter of days these procedures will become routine rather than heroic events – and they should; it’s my job. The question remains: will I keep my heart and soul? Will I lead my team well? Will I establish good habits and meet my attendings’ expectations? Will I remember to change my underwear every day, wear socks with my OR shoes, and at least shower every week?

Two weeks in and it’s the ultimate test of being present. There are no other moments that count than the one I am currently experiencing. I’ve always been a planner but this rotation is teaching me despite my best intentions, my plan for the day is destroyed by 5:45am; after that it is all about keeping up.

There are rare moments when the sun is setting and I am heading back to my apartment from the hospital when I manage a few thoughts on the day. They usually are far from profound, but one keeps recycling back: I cared for people today and I didn’t hold anything back. I fall asleep with the hope that tomorrow will be better than today and that each day gets better after that.