showing up

40 days of Lent have just concluded. I did not commit to giving something up or taking something on for 40 days. I felt like medical school was enough at the moment and changing any aspect of that would interfere with my ability to study and do well. Perhaps that is true, perhaps not. Now I will never know. But I realized that I have never been closer to my God than during these months in school. I have never cried out more in brokenness, longing for comfort, love, and assurance. I have “re-grouped” time and again, returning to the place where I am less so that He is more. How many times has my pride preceded my fall? Am I finally broken such that this journey is possible through His grace and not my self-reliance? My perpetual cyclical path consists of my belief that I have been given an amazing opportunity and because I have been given much, much is expected of me. Therefore I must DO more. I must BE more. I must PROVE that I am worthy of such an experience. But fatigue quickly sets in. I tug and war between what I feel I am owed and the debt I must repay.

Perhaps, though, it is not about debt, worth, or pride. Perhaps it is about loosing self to gain faith and fully possess a heart willing to serve because that is the desire of my Heavenly Father.

“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me.” Psalm 129.

And once again, my anxious heart is calmed. Peace prevails. It is not what I will do as a doctor but what He will do in and through me: not because I am worthy, but because I showed up. So perhaps as Easter comes and the season of Lent concludes, mine is just beginning: my God is risen and my salvation secure. Tomorrow I will show up just like I have the day before and in the patients I will see His face because He is there.